31-12-2002 - 03:30
it's the last day of 2002...
i need a change. i need to find solid plans for the new year. i need someone to save me, if i only knew what i really needed to be saved from.
contents:
chapter one: the past revisited
chapter two: helpless insomnia
chapter three: gay clubs as a habit
chapter four: new years
chapter five: loose ends
chapter six: musical finale
chapter one: the past revisited
last night i ended up hanging out with prythrough. we met up in ann arbor at ashley's pub. drank some really tasty beverages (strongbow's cider, final absolution, john courage, and something else.) after that, we went to the bar at the bottom of the blind pig...ran into some strangers (one looked like elijah wood). talked, drank, chatted. from there, we moved on to denny's. my specific denny's thing is moons over my hammy, where i always ask for eggs over easy instead of scrambled. they never do this for me until last night/this morning. after denny's, we headed back to my apartment and watched princess mononoke. stayed up all night (for the most part). and, he eventually left at about 4 something pm. soon his visit to michigan will be over and he will return to baltimore (i think). lying in bed. hair mussed up. window open. fog outside. cold air drifting in. warm bodies tangled in blankets. cd on repeat. sunlight streaming in. alarm going off. bad cell phone reception. orange juice in glasses. falling off of the bed. new button-up white shirt full of wrinkles. strange noises outside. finally departing.
chapter two: helpless insomnia
i can't sleep. i could change my life if only i took action. i don't know if i don't take action because i'm lazy, or because i'm not ready. i've been making a habit of watching the last few minutes of fight club almost every night. not sure why, but it dulls my dreams. i usually have nightmares, but if i watch that, somehow my dreams end up semi-normal. i'm currently wearing my new punisher t-shirt (i don't have many of them) and my levis super-low rise jeans. yes. the bloody french dictionary commercial made (yes, made) me purchase a pair. i'm also wearing my new black, grey and red argyle knit cap that i got for x-mas from my sister. drinking tea. watching television (but not really). have to work tomorrow.
chapter three: gay clubs as a habit
for new years, ryan, jay, and jason are going to a gay club/bar called backstreet. they go to gay clubs/bars all the time. it's weird, because i like going to some of the gay clubs/bars, but i wish they'd go to straight ones every once and a while. the last time i was at a straight club with any of them, was back in october when we were at tiki bob's. even if it was only one friday or saturday a month, i'd like for all of us to hang out somewhere that i can have a slight chance of meeting straight guys and dancing. maybe it's selfish, but i just sometimes feel left out in their group...for more reasons than not being a gay male.
chapter four: new years
i have no solid plans for new years. maybe i'll do nothing. maybe i'll come home and drink myself into a stupor. maybe i'll discover some set plan tomorrow whilst at work. i'll come up with something. i guess i just have to trust in my faith of everything working out. it's almost the new year. i need a change of pace.
chapter five: loose ends
i think within the next hour or so i'm going to have to run my car for a bit. the fiero has been in temp. outside storage. too bad i don't have a heated garage. then i could work on my car and keep things up. can't believe a year has gone by so fast. it's doesn't seem like i've done much in that time, but i've managed to reach escape velocity and leave brooklyn. i've managed to do well at work. meet some new people. i've managed to decide that i know everything i need to know, and then in knowning that, realize that i know nothing. i've watched my father get better. i've watched my grandmother get better. i've watched my sister fall from her pedistal. i've kept my confidence in myself even though it's waivered a few times. i'm happy even in my unhappiness. i'm sane in my insanity. all in all, it's been a good year. now all i need to do is travel.
chapter six: musical finale
my keyboard will only permit me to type the lyrics in english...
"the air plays with, the sheet covers peace. the light lights you, tiptoed gone it is. the moon takes over, seduces the mind. the moon gazes on, darkness you be gone. a fabric drawn away, my dreams it saw, creapy goes..."-sigur ros
