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03-12-2003 - 01:27

just got done biting my nails off. just the white tips. i like having short nails. i like being able to type without the clacking of nails on the keys. i like being able to get an eyelash out of my eye without worries of impalement.

i'm cold. was out today at work in the "elements". no coat. no gloves. i think my insides are still frozen. my feet still haven't warmed up.

forced insomnia. normally i can't sleep at this hour, but i'm oddly sleepy right now. i'll probably go to sleep soon. maybe it's just because i'm cold. maybe i'm just slumping into hibernation.

i've been thinking of things lately. not good or bad things really, but akward things. not really akward, but different. path a: things stay the same for now. path b: could be good or bad, but most likely would be akward. accept path a: missed opportunity. accept path b: leads to path b.1 and b.2. fate turns path b.1: unhappiness. slowly drifting. fate turns path b.2: happiness that could ultimately lead to fate worse than path a or path b.1. maybe soon i'll be even decided enough to put things to actual words...

there's some cops in ohio that are under investigation right now. they were trying to subdue someone who ultimately died. the whole thing was video taped. there's so many people who keep saying that they don't know how police could have killed him. they can't believe that they were so brutal. all i can say is that the man was huge. he was on various drugs. he assaulted more than one officer numerous times. this is what i saw from the same video. officers get assaulted. officers try to drag him to the ground. once they have him on the ground, the guy looked like he was trying to grab at one officers throat. another officer appears to jab the guys hands and arms (which appear to be reaching for the other officer) with his baton. i wonder if i'm biased in this. at my place of employment, we deal with people like that. get assaulted by people like that. the only thing is that we don't have any weapons. just the handcuffs and bulletproof vests for protection. i do know that there's been quite a few times that i wished we had pepper foam or a baton or something. and without weapons, sometimes people think we're too rough in subdueing people. interesting. just makes me think that people should hold off on judgement.

just rambling.

oh. and i'm a bit dissapointed in myself. i keep taking about taking action and such, but i find myself waiting. must stick to the plan. remember that. don't wait. it's better to regret that some action you took didn't work out how you planned than to regret not even attempting it...

think it's time to put the kettle on...

to be continued on some other day at some other time....

"some days, my soul's confined and out of mind. sleep forever. some days, my darkest friend is me again. have you ever. someday i'll try again and not pretend. this time forever. someday i'll get it straight but not today. have you ever..." -offspring



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