06-04-2004 - 03:13
so many things. i've been away from here for a bit.
i finished out another 8 day. was almost taken out by a monster truck in my little fiero. troy's moving away. who am i going to hang out with at work? who am i going to drink starbucks with?
and, because i don't want to think about it too much right now, just a quick clip about my grandmother. her cancer has progressed. everytime i think about it, it makes me cry, so i'm going to stop now.
on a stranger note...i'm pretty sure i'm over takkun. all it took was one phone conversation. appearently while he's been away, he ended up sleeping with a girl. no more innocent boy. what made things suddenly change was not that he slept with this girl, but why. because she was there. he said that his friends wives friend came to visit. she couldn't stay with them because they had cats and she's allergic to them. so, she stayed with him and...things went along from there. that just shattered this image i had of him. if they were dating, i think i'd still like him...but i think it's just finding out that he really is like most guys and not as different as i thought...
my last student loan cheque was sent out, but they haven't cashed it yet. if they wait much longer, i'm going to have to send them a few bucks more for interest from the past few days. grrrr...
things were going to well for a bit there. false sense of security. i really ought to have said something to takkun earlier...but then i guess it's good that i realized this now and before saying something. this student loan thing is really bothering me. i really don't know what i'm going to do without troy at work. things are really going to be boring. the only good things going on are that appearently a lot of people from class like the way i dress and such. maybe i'll meet someone at my next class. maybe i should start going out with some more of the people who ask me out.
this news with my grandmother...is just really hard. and i'm crying again. fifth time tonight. now i really feel as if i have to stay in novi. my mind hurts. i just want to curl up on a ball on my bed and never move again. my grandmother gave me one of her orchids this past weekend. i wonder if she knew something wasn't right. she's also going to try another form of chemo. this one might make her feel sick again. am i being selfish? i want her to keep fighting, but i don't want her last months to be painful or for her to feel bad during them. right now she feels good most of the time. i've never really thought about faith in god. i've never really gone to any churches or anything. my grandmother believes in god. she keeps saying that there's something watching over her, protecting her. how can i have faith in something when this happens. and i said i wasn't going to say anything about this and i did. now i'm just a mess. sniffeling (or however that's spelled). my eyes hurt and are all puffy and red. tears on my blankets and the keys of my laptop. i just wish i had something to distract me. something so i don't have to feel this. i feel like screaming really loudly would help, but i know it won't change things. i did hear about some church in detroit. a priest or something that worked there is possibly going to be the first american born saint. i think that i'm going to have to go there. they said that praying for his help at his crypt has cured people. it's the only thing i can think of to do. i'd do anything if i thought it would work. i've tried spells, praying to different gods, but nothing has worked yet. i guess all i can do is keep trying. it's funny, but all i really want right now is to cry with someone. just to have someone here i guess to share this with. it's like it's too much sadness for just me. people go through this everywhere. why is it so hard for me?
i think i'm going to go to sleep now. it's early for me, but this whole crying thing doesn't happen to me very often and i had forgotten how exhausting it is. but sometimes i think i just need to. release. do something when nothing can really be done. i do feel a bit better now. and i have a mission. i'd forgotten about the pre-saint thing. it can't hurt to try it. i just have to make sure that i don't cry at our easter dinner which is the next time i'm going to see everyone.
even if takkun isn't the boy i thought he was, i think it would help to just curl up with him thursday night. i just need someone to sleep next to and it's been a while...and things always seem better when you wake up next to someone.
"this may never start. we could fall apart. and i'd be your memory. lost you sense of fear. feelings insincere. can i be your memory? so get back, back, back to where we last stand. just like i imagine. i could never feel this way. so get back, back, back to the disaster. my hear's beating faster. holding on to feel the same. this may never start. i'll tear us apart. cannot be your enemy. losing half a year. waiting for you here. i'd be your anything. so get back, back, back to where we last stand. just like i imagine. i could never feel this way. so get back, back, back to the disaster. my heart's beating faster. holding on to feel the same. this may never start. tearing out my heart. i'd be your memory. lost your sense of fear. feelings disappear. can i be your memory? so get back, back, back to where we last stand. just like i imagine. i could never feel this way. so get back, back, back to the disaster. my heart's beating faster. holding on to feel the same. this could never start. we could fall apart. and i'd be your memory. lost your sense of fear. feelings insincere. can i be your memory?" -sugarcult