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13-04-2004 - 02:42

sometimes you just have to go with your first plan...

so, takkun was out here this weekend. he stayed the night thursday night and we watched anime, had some beverages, etc. all just friends interactions. then we were going to hang out saturday night, but he ended up falling asleep on his friend josh's couch. so, the plan was that he was going to stop out sunday night, pick up his anime and we'd hang out for a half hour or so. well, he ended up staying the night.

long after ryan had gone to sleep, takkun and i were playfully wrestling around on my bed and i ended up kissing him. the odd thing was that he kissed me back. have you ever had that feeling where it feels like your heart is going to stop, implode, and explode all at the same time? i had to remember to breathe. i do feel bad 'cause we didn't go to bed till after the sun had started to come up and he had to get up uber early to go home to his far off land. i hope he made it home ok. a 10 hour drive with little sleep can be hazardous.

i guess he's coming back up here in about 2 weeks. he told my why, but i can't remember now. it was just so very early in the morning. but, i guess i'm going to see him then.

out of order randomness...

i guess that last night when i'd stepped out of the room for a minute, ryan and takkun talked. i guess ryan had asked him why we didn't date (or something to that effect) and he said something to the effect of because he'd never had the occassion. ryan told me what was said (summed it up) but my brain isn't working well tonight.

i don't know where things stand right now. takkun and i are not really great at talking about personal things. personally i'm great at talking about anything but feelings and such. this just doesn't seem real. maybe an odd dream. it's hard to explain. i'm just completely thrown off. you do something because you feel you have to and in your mind you have thoughts on how people are going to react. when they do the exact opposite...i guess it just adds to the dream like state. i can't really think of much that could be better than waking up next to him every day. i just think that we fit really well. makes me think of mallrats. when you're sleeping next to someone, what do you do with your other arm. i think that some people fit in a way where there's no problem with that. it wasn't as hard to see him leave as i thought it would be. i think it's because at least now i know he's at least interested.

at this very moment it's snowing outside. lots of snow...sticking to the ground. that and the neighbors just below have their music up loud enough for me to hear it through the floor and over the sound of my television. i can actually feel the bass through the floor. bastards. if i was in a more confrontational mood, i'd stop down there and talk to them.

i'm so tired that i can't even sleep. mind doesn't want to turn off or slow down. i think i'm going to put the kettle on soon. maybe some tea will help.

my poor orchids. this weather isn't good for them. too many sudden weather changes.

i guess that's it for now. i'll drink tea. get ready for bed. and be content for now. i can't wait to hear from takkun next. and tomorrow i'll catch up with my school work.

"and every time you crave for me i'm here. and anything you hunger for i'll share. and i will be quietly standing by. while slowly i am dying inside...whisper now and tell me how you'll watch me and tell me somehow i'm gonna be alright." -eels



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