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19-04-2005 - 04:22

so. my grandmother died today. granted it's now well after midnight, but i haven't slept yet. she died at about 3am. i was the last person aside from my grandfather to see her alive...i was also the first person aside from my grandfather to see her dead. i get the phone call from my mother. she tells me that my grandmother had died. i was just sitting there on the floor in my hallway and i couldn't move. my mother then tells me that i have to pull things together and get over to my grandparents house immediately. i swear that i hit every light on the way there. i got there at the same time the police did. she was still warm when i got there. she had only been dead for about half an hour.

so, i made a cup of tea and tried to answer the million questions the police and hospice people had. (guess the m.e. for the area is very strict.) a while later my parents showed up. the worst thing was when my mother decided that we (she and myself) had to clean my grandmother up and put her into her nice nightgown. she was getting cold by then. my mother made me roll and move my grandmother. while we're doing this air left her lungs. have you ever held the dead body of a loved one and had them make a sound? it was the worst thing. i couldn't even breathe. i hated having any knowledge of forensics. lividity had set in by the time we did all of this. i can handle working with the deceased...but not when it's someone i know. a few hours later my uncle and aunt showed up. even later than that, the funeral home people came by to pick my grandmother up. bastards. it was hard to watch. they wrapped her up in a white sheet and hit her arm on the door frame taking her out of the bedroom and hit her feet twice on the wall putting her on the gurney. she weighed under 90lbs. when she was alive and completely dead weight, i picked her up easily on my own. these two big guys couldn't even get her on the gurney without messing up. i almost told them that i'd put her on it if they weren't able to.

no sleep for hours. i finally went back to my apartment after they picked up my grandmother. jeff stopped by shortly after i got home. so, we just laid in bed watching television. i couldn't sleep, but it was nice not being alone. also, he finally said something completely right and at the right time. i was feeling awful. eyes hurt. stomach hurt. red and poofy eyes. i say that i look and feel ooky. jeff runs his hand through my hair and says that i look cute as ever. just one of those things that really is nothing, but means everything right at that moment.

luckily, i already had monday off. i do have to go to class tomorrow (tuesday), but i called off of work. the viewing is tomorrow. then my grandmother is being cremated the following day. i just finished putting together the two boards that will be next to her casket ( can rent a casket for the viewing). it's now almost 3:30. my grandmother has been dead for just over 24 hours. i have to be up by 10am. i can't sleep. i feel ill. now it's 4:20. still no sleep. i think i'm going to try eatting and maybe another cup of tea...

"all i can say, i shouldn't say. can we take a ride? get out of this place while we still have time. you want to take a ride? get out of this place while we still have time. we still have time..." -jimmy eat world



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