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18-04-2008 - 21:39

i needed someone today. more than i've needed anyone in a long time. for once, i reached out for someone and got left behind. yep. left behind for a couch. it's really difficult for me to become emotionally involved with people or to let people know when i need help. i really hope that this case doesn't stop me from trying again in the future.

so. since my grandfather was out of town today (along with everyone else) i took today off. i really didn't want my grandmother to be alone or for her to think that people didn't remember or care. i wore my best kimono today. actually tied the obi on the first attempt. and i looked really good. went over to my grandparents house. swept the porch. cleaned up the garden. burned some incense. offered some sake. said a prayer. i did get a compliment on my kimono and how well it was put on by my grandfathers neighbour who's japanese.

so. i know why i liked "the boy" in the first place. the funny thing is that all of the things i liked about him i think weren't the real him. he did say that he pushes people away. well, he's got one more person to add to that list now. the good thing is that i learned a lot from the short time i talked to him. but i don't think i'll be able to talk to him any more. i do like him. i do want to be friends with him. but i don't think it would work. you can't really be friends with someone who the only thing you can rely on about them is that they are unreliable and that you know they most likely won't be there when you need them. so, he's not interested in dating. says he's interested in being friends, but doesn't treat me like someone he's dating or someone he's friends with. plus, he started to get weird a little over a month ago.

so, i guess to make things simple, i don't want to waste my time on someone who, while they may care a bit won't act like they care much at all. it's selfish, i know, but why keep putting things into something that's not going to have any return value? much as i wish he were here right now, i'm glad that he's not. i really would only want to be around someone who really cared right now. so, i'm sitting in bed on my computer crying my eyes out. all i can hope is that my grandmother doesn't see me out there. i wouldn't want her to get the wrong impression and think that i'm like this all of the time.

anyways, as i try and rationalize's better to not associate with someone who won't listen, makes me feel bad, cuts me off while talking, and backs out on plans. he was rather nice though in the beginning. so, fact: there was a point where he was nice and fun and i really liked him.

"analyzed, thought it over too much. criticize myself way too much. i will utilize the energy i have left to say goodbye to you and i will survive. 'cause i lost what i once found in you. take your smoke. coughing chocking, there is no hope. take your records away. i hate folk. pack your bags and don't forget your coat. it's cold outside, but you'll survive. 'cause i lost what i once found in you." -hayden



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