10-05-2008 - 10:21
ok. so i've figured out what i want. i think that it's what every straight girl wants, but maybe they don't realize it. i want a guy like lloyd dobler from say anything. a nice guy. completely honest. plus...john cusack in that movie...hottest man ever.
ok. i hate to admit it, but in being completely honest with myself, i have to say the following. i really like "the boy". a lot. i think that i might be slightly addicted to him. i don't know how to take him. sometimes he seems amazing and nice and like he really likes me. sometimes he seems like he'd rather just let me drop out of his life. sometimes it seems like he only wants to hang out when it's convenient for him, but doesn't really seem to be aware of convenience to me. i realize that i miss not talking to him like before. when we don't see each other for a while, i miss him. this is something that i don't like. i have tried to walk away from it all a few times, but for some reason i just leave an opening, and he takes it. then i end up not walking away. i am jealous that there have been so many times where i've really wanted to see him and he goes out with others. he can hang out with them. they can go out for drinks, to parties, to movies, to dinner. grrrrrrr...
i also have to admit that lately i seem to sabotage things. relationship-wise at least. i think i need to stop that. i'm not sure why i do it, but i do. maybe it's because i realize that things aren't going the way i'd like and don't know how to change things any other way. maybe it's because i deep down really don't think i'll find someone that i'll be happy with that will be happy with me. i don't know.
what i can say is that the wiles are back. granted i'm a bit too busy with school to take up some of the offers, but it does make a girl feel good to have a bunch of them.
events of last night: so, i met up with ryan at his place. we stopped at the liquor store, mcdonalds, then beckie/mike's. while completely sober and attempting to open my first drink (with my keys) i managed to cut up the back of my finger. johnny vegas' were drunk. tequila was drunk. etc. after drinking fun, ryan and i went back to his place. watch the office for a bit. then home. now i can't sleep. i have a ton of homework/school work. i wish things would either work out or end with "the boy".
what i miss is how well things went when "the boy" and i first met. how he invited himself over. the short but frequent phone calls. emailing/messaging for hours. anyways, i just don't know what to do. most people think i should just quit talking to him. eh. i guess what i will do is meet others. see what happens. maybe he'll miss me. maybe he won't.
"from yesterday, from yesterday. from yesterday, the fear. from yesterday, from yesterday. but he doesn't wanna read the message. he doesn't wanna read the message. he doesn't wanna read the message here." -30 seconds to mars