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14-05-2008 - 06:49

so. things are discontinued with "the boy". somewhere he lost interest in anything more than friends and as he pointed out, we can never hang out because of our schedules. so, sadly it looks like the end. i will miss him. and for many reasons. up to and including the fact that for quite a while there, chemistry seemed to be good and he was extremely comfortable. alas, i must move on and eventually find someone else to curl up in bed with who will actually be there when i need them. (also keeping in mind that it must be someone that i want to be around.) since i have to chronicle the good and the bad so i can properly learn from things... well. "the boy" said that he liked me. i liked/like him. i am straight forward. people ask me something, and unless i feel that i'm being used and/or manipulated, i'll answer them. i do feel like he was using me. just keeping me along because he didn't have anyone else really to hang out with at the time. i don't think it was like that at first...i think it just grew into that. i guess i just have a hard time when people lie to me. be it with words or actions. he didn't act uninterested last week. blamed me for being weird. we curled up in his bed. things seemed fine. happy. like everything was starting to work out better. he even mentioned coming out this monday or tuesday to my place after i got out of work. half asleep told me that he wanted me with him and to come back to bed (when i got up for a glass of water). so, it does kind of hurt to not know how long he was acting along...but it's probably better that i don't know. and, i would like to think well of him. so, ignoring that, i think i will lock in the memory of him before he changed shifts. the talking all the time. emailing back and forth for hours. eating grapples. falling asleep watching movies. curling up in bed. etc. i think it's always nicer to remember the good things about people. so, i think i'll just think of it as an interesting dance that lasted for a while, but couldn't go on forever. and a last happy thought. i know things were not going well at the time, but there was a time that he left me a voice mail and said that he missed me. i have to admit that i like when people miss me. it makes me believe that they actually do care. so, he must have cared at some point in time if only for one phone call. so, i guess this is the last time i'll mention anything about him here. there's really nothing left to say.

other things. well, people are asking about the martini outing planned after class with rob. i find it funny that i've not talked to him in maybe over a year, but he still remembers where i live and such. i just hope that class doesn't go over. ummm...people have been really great about supporting me with the whole school thing lately. that's something that makes me happy. appearently anthony from friday made some rather flattering comments about me. it's always nice to know when people like something about you. appearently i also look like another half asian girl...but one that's korean and not japanese. i haven't been sleeping well lately. not exactly sure why. well, there's many a reason that i can guess at. ummm...i've got matt hooked on a hellogoodbye song. here in your arms. i've been listening to it a lot lately. great song. catchy. makes me wanna dance. in fact, i was dancing in my car earlier. oh...and my new york boy is back. back in michigan for good.

i know where i'm going. and i know how to get there. i'm just not sure why it feels like i'm lost at sea. every time things start to make sense, i realize that i'm looking at them through the wrong lens. when i start looking at things through the right lens i realize that i don't seem to see things the way others do.

things i miss. i miss sleeping with the windows open. i miss driving with no time constraints and being able to think. i really do seem to do my best thinking while driving with no time constraints especially at night or in the shower (when i'm not singing and/or dancing since that's oddly what i do in the shower oft times). i miss ice cream trucks. i miss hamocking. i miss when my sister wasn't falling apart. i miss sleeping in all day with no worries. i miss playing in the fog. i miss being able to travel at a moments notice. i miss the claw foot bath tub that gio and i had. i miss proper sleep. i miss cheap gas. i miss pancake breakfasts that never involved pancakes, but rather french toast. i miss crunchies from swiss swirl.

things i currently love. as always, i love music. i love having long hair. i love fruit cups. i love the idea of finding someone to be happy with if only for a little while. i love dancing in my living room. i love the ocean. i love drinking beer in a japanese style karaoke. i love swimming especially at night. (like that one night after work with all of us jumping into the lake across from bauer manor in dress clothes). i love when the wiles work. i love lying in bed listening to music. i love a nice martini or gin-triple sec-and tonic. i love every moment that has transpired up until now to make me who i am. i love working on sword work outside in the early morning. i love watching shippuuden. and i love wearing kimonos.

well, i think it's about time for me to make something tasty to eat...maybe take a bath...and eventually fall asleep...

"and nobody does it better. makes me feel sad for the rest. nobody does it quite the way you do. baby, baby. baby you're the best. baby you're the best. baby you're the best. baby you're the best..." -radiohead



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