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01-03-10 - 07:57

so. a new day. a new story.

last i left off, i was talking about hb. so, things started to go ok. until yesterday. he had some presentation that he was giving and asked a bunch of people to come along. i said i would. this was maybe a week before hand. day of, my parents invite me out to dinner with my grandparents. free dinner and only an 8 minute drive away. the presentation on the other hand ended up being 20 minutes away with me hitting every single traffic light. i sit and watch the presentation after turning down said dinner. a little over an hour into the presentation, i get a phone call from my parents. as the speech part had wrapped up and the video part was being loaded, i stepped out and took the call. call was quick and i popped back in. as i didn't want to distrube people as the video had just started, i stayed in the back of the room. after it ended and i drove out around 5.5pm, i figured that eventually i'd get a 'thanks for coming' call or email. nothing. then around 1am, he calls. he's at a bar and i can't hear him. the feedback on the phone is sceeching and stinging in my ear. i tell him i'll try him back later. i ring back 5 minues later. he's in the same spot from the sounds of it. i put up the the awful noise for a few minutes. no thanks for coming out. just when i asked 'what the sound was in the background' he replies 'yeah, i saw you in the back of the room.'. misunderstanding, yes. annoyed, yes. i was annoyed during the presentation as no one could see the bottom quarter of the screen which included a lot of the text. i was annoyed when his friend who was presenting with him kept getting vocally pushed out of the way by him. it just made me think. i realized that i'm not the only one he doesn't really put consideration towards. that not in a mean or bad way, he's only focused on himself. i wonder if he even noticed that people kept trying to direct questions to the other guy and he kept answering them. even the ones that were directed to 'the two of you' or 'from both of you'. i guess the guy has known him for a while, so either he's used to it and puts up with it, or this is a newer phenom.

this then made me ponder more. i realized that while i like hanging out with this guy, nothing will come of it. i don't like him enough to "fight" for his time and i'm bored with seeing him once a week when i contact him. since i've been really hanging out with him, he's only asked me to do things with him twice. once was the vodka thing that didn't work out. the other was the presentation. the only times he's called me "for no reason" since coming back from thailand was yesterday. the call when the presentation was starting to see if i was coming and the call from the technically early this morning. i should have noticed this earlier, but alas, did not. with every single plan that doesn't involve lounging at my apartment falling through or getting delayed on his side...with the fact that we used to hang out all the time and now are down to once a week, soon to be once a month...i wonder if he'd even notice if i just quit. how long it would take for some sort of response from him. i did email him yesterday to let him know that for future presentations he may want to ensure that the projector is fully projecting on the screen. i'm sure he'll respond to that and i'll try to wrap up conversation in less than 3 sentences. then just let things fade into nothing. is it the non-confrontational thing to do? yes. is it very unlike me? yes. but every situation must be delt with in different ways and i'm starting to not care enough to even confront him on any of this. the two things i hate most are liars and the inconsiderate. while he's not lied to me that i'm aware of, he is in a not intentional way, the most inconsiderate person i associate with outside of work (where i am forced to).

the interesting news is that i'm going to be working two days this month on the other shift. the one that the boy is on. the boy and i haven't really hung out much since i started hanging out with hb. then again, it's a tad strange for a girl to be curled up in bed with a straight guy who's not the one she's sleeping with. at least we used to go out all of the time before he ended up on the exact opposite shift. will things go back to us sleeping over at one anothers places before the other goes to work? anything is possible at this point.

i guess that the things i like the most about seeing guys consist of two things. 1) sleeping next to someone. 2) going out and doing things. now the sleeping next to someone has many good points. i tend to be cold frequently. i also often times have awful nightmares which never seem to take place if someone is sleeping next to me. the going out and doing things bit. well, i'm not talking about going out on dates. while enjoyable, i'd like someone who will go out grocery shopping with me. hit up the pub once and a while for a pint or two. play outside in the snow or leaves. not high priced things. just little things. the ninja and i used to take his dog for walks all the time. i'd meet him when he got off of work on my days off. he's bring lunch to me on my work nights. naota...i've never properly dated him, but we've been out for drinks the same amount of times i have with hb not including thailand. we've also played in parking lots. taken really bad photos of one another. and ice skated. he's wanted to meet up more lately, but i've held of seeing what happens with hb. then there's the boy. we used to go out for drinks, grocery shop, try new foods, get take away together. every once and a while one of us would cook. he and jobe were the only guys i could stand to have in the kitchen with me when i cooked. i know i ramble here, but it's the best way to just get things out there.

i guess the final point is that i'm not 'dating' nor have i ever 'dated' hb. i guess it's a situation of we both like each other and are attracted to each other...just not enough. seems to be a situation of convenience. when we're both available, we hang out. maybe i'm just with him right now because i don't feel up to actually dating someone and putting in the effort. i don't really know. i just know that things can not go on like they've been. i've grown bored and uncertain. that and i think it costs too much to hang out with him. he eats my food and drinks my drinks and contributes very little. though he does take out my trash when he does come over. guess i never thought i'd be this old and having boy problems...

"i'm lost. the world as we know it is round. well, i've traveled so far and i'm worn. and i've lived in a suitcase for too long..." -the walkmen



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