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11-06-2011 - 03:23

first entry of the year. once again, it's been a while. i have a lot to update, but i guess i'll keep things short for now. i'm pondering the following. can you have a broken heart if you're not even really sure if you have one? also, can you have a broken heart if love wasn't involved?

i met ben around 2 months ago. we started emailing all the time. messaging on fb and whatnot. we hung out almost every day. he reminded me of tim in a way that i pretty much knew him as a person. all of the things that he did and did not want me to know. anyways, while things were progressing with me, he's also seeing someone else. telling people he's dating her because that's what was assumed. all the while, still sending me 5-20 messages a day. telling me that i'm important to him. whatnot. am i more angry that i fell for all of that? or did i really like him and that's why it's so bad? like a bad drug, i knew the type of person he was. i knew what he'd end up doing, and yet i still went along for the ride. since he's seeing this other girl now, and finally officially told me after i told him that i already knew, he still wanted to talk to me. to hang out. didn't understand why we couldn't hang out alone any more. still kept messaging me. so i told him that i didn't want to hear from him ever again. it's been over 24 hours now...and it's strange. again, like a drug, it's hard to just quit something that's been a major part of your life if only for a short time.

i'm now talking to scott again. i'm super stressed with school. i feel like i'm about to cry a lot lately. i guess at least i know that i really am a girl. i do know that lately i've been thinking too much. sometimes it hurts to breathe. kind of like slowly drowning. today, the only things that kept me going were listening to sail over and over again and red bull...

"this is how i show my love. i made it in my mind because. i blame it on my a.d.d. baby..." -awolnation



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