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18-01-15 - 09:13

i am thinking about things i shouldn't. i don't know why. i've never been a 'what if' person. i've never lived with regrets. i don't know why suddenly some what if's have popped into my head. maybe it's a sign of weakness. maybe i'm becoming more human.

over the years i have gotten much better at playing human. see a small child. look at child. smile. hold gaze for 3-5 seconds. look at parent. still smiling. mix things up with a) look back at child and smile again or b) look at child and wave. i'm only really thinking about this because my sister is moving back to my parents with her ever expanding family. everyone told me that once my first nephew was born, i would love him and love kids and whatnot. i am protective of him because he is family. i do not hug him when i see him or the things that aunts are supposed to do. i started him a bank account for college. i plan on doing the same for my youngest nephew. i just don't buy the toys and play like adults play with kids. i don't use the talking-to-small-child voice. i talk to him normally. i still have to remember to play normal. my family thinks i react normally. they also seem to think that my sister having kids should jumpstart some sort of internal drive to make me want to have them. instead, i bought a bottle of nice jamacian rum to drown out the commentary i knew i was going to receive on the phone after my second nephew was born at the end of november. yeah, because of that, my parents went down to help my sister out in TN and i spent my first thanksgiving at work with no family dinner. due to all of the family fun with my mother, i guess i should also admit that i spent my christmas as an undercover drunkard. yep. drink the entire weekend i was home at my parents. first time i ever did that.

other things crossing my mind right now...hmmm...

i've been having a playback dream lately. when i was in new york a decade ago visiting futile, i saw that fortune teller. i keep dreaming about what she told me and it's quite weird. things progress from playback of what happened to a world ending situation.

last year i watched the entire run from start to finish of 'sherlock'. since then, beckie has been referring to me as sherlock and i've been calling her my watson. she kind of is the voice of reason for me. plus, she is quite smart. in the series, sherlock is kind of a nurture variety sociopath. the more i watched, the more i felt i related to the character. it does amaze me how outward sociopaths and japanese have so much in common. makes me wonder which make me what i am. don't cry. don't share feelings. no one could ever love you. you've not only let down us (parents), but you've let down the family. maybe if you changed your entire self, you would be pretty. maybe you're not cut out for college. you should just meet a nice guy and get married. surprisingly, i'm not in a bad mood. i'm actually quite happy. imbibed with french wine (red) and i guess just letting anything and everything spill out of my brain.

i asked shin if he was interested in going to peru this year. asked my friend joe about italy. i'm thinking of seeing both places in 2015. not sure how things will work out though.

for the first time in a very very long time, i really wished i was not about to go to bed alone. how is it a friend...not anything else, but just a friend could have brought this on? i'm not really the type to date or be clingy or even the dreadful word 'cuddle'. it's not something that is usually comfortable for me. i've always played along when the situation came up, but it's always been just going through the motions. much like i could play the part of an amazing girlfriend quite well. i've done it before. it's just not me...and i can usually only keep it up for a month or so before i get bored and quit playing along. the shock? i was actually comfortable the other day. comfortable to have someone crawl in bed with me and wrap their arms around me. maybe because it was just a friend it wasn't weird. maybe because i knew he was likely still drunk and playing a part. i just don't know what to think or what happened. i probably could have just stayed in bed like that for hours. heh, guess every once in a while things have to pop up to prove i'm a girl in a stereotypical way. i mean, i need something to cancel out the dish full of knives in my apartment bathroom or the two firearms next to my bed. maybe there is hope for me yet...

"por lo que fue y por lo que pudo ser, por lo que hay, por lo que puede faltar. pr lo que venga y por este instante. levanta el vaso y a brindar por el aguante! a brindar por el aguante!" -calle 13



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