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29-03-15 - 10:13

i'm watching the taiwanese drama 'substitute princess' right now. i like the series. it also makes me wonder about things...

the lead female gets drastic plastic surgery and no one recognizes her. not that i plan on getting plastic surgery, but it makes me wonder if i did, is there anyone who knows me well mannerisms, my eyes, etc...who would recognize me?

one of the lead males falls for the girl who gets the plastic surgery and looks like his fiancee that died in an accident. i wonder if i were madly in love (in the hypothetical world where this could happen) with a guy, could i fall for someone who looked just like him if he were no longer available?

the series is not over yet, so i don't know how it ends. who do i want to get the girl? the guy she loved her entire life but didn't even like her until she was gone? or the guy who got her to fill in for his fiancee and then fell for her? while i think i'm supposed to hope the guy she always loved ends up with her, i think i would prefer the guy who falls for her even though she's poor...and weird...and things between them started out as a business situation where they pretended to be together. not sure why i like that option best.

it's so cold here. i still don't understand how i can be so warm at work even outside in short sleeves and freezing at home under two comforters.

i probably could vent about all of the stressful and bad things going on, but watching this series has put me in a happy mood. that and feeling exhausted enough where i just can't get up the energy to complain.

i had my ipod on random on my drive home from work this morning. soundgarden came on. i'm not sure why, but it made me think of mark. one thought spilled into another. thinking of us hanging out watching the x-files when it first aired. sneaking into his bedroom at night through the sliding glass door after climbing out of mine into the trash can below and listening to music. i do sometimes wonder...if i had accepted when he asked me out if the trajectory of his life would have been different. i really could have put up with dating him for a month or so and then maybe he wouldn't have dated angela. then maybe he wouldn't have removed most of his head with his dads shotgun. it's so weird that all of this popped in my head this morning. i guess the problem with being as attached to music as i am is that there can be some powerful things attached to them. good. bad. and everything in between.

nin. head like a hole. mark was walking me home from school. the lake was frozen so we walked on the crunching ice shortcut to my house. i had my headphones and sony walkman on. i'd recorded 89x for the entire length of the cassette the night before.

greenday. i don't remember the song, but that's what i have attached to when we were building the filtration system for science class and mark became the only boy to ever scar me. hot glue gun accidentally into my wrist. he thought i was going to cry and panicked. instead i made some weird sound effect and started laughing.

soundgarden. by random chance, we had the same pink lava lamps. i liked and still love pink. his mom bought his. if the lamp was on, it was a sign that either of us could sneak over to the others room. this went on even after he no longer had dating interest in me. i always wondered how we never got caught. then sitting on the floor of his room listening to music and pretending we weren't in a small town.

everclear. he killed himself before i lent him the cd. i was supposed to bring it home from college the weekend i planned to visit my parents right after exams. instead i find out that he died from a girl i never talked to in high school who got my number from the student directory and called me at my dorm. the first time i ever drank in sadness. i remember dropping to my knees and my friend mike taking the phone and hearing what happened from that girl tracy/ie. him scooping me up and walking me to his dorm room down the hall. i remember him rooting through his dresser and pulling out a pint of something cheap and strong. had me take two shots. we had been friend for a while at this point in time and i remember him hugging me. i spent that night in his room with his arms around me. he made his roommate leave and turned up the radio super loud and it was the first time i think i ever cried in front of someone who wasn't family.

everclear again. late november. days before my father was going to store the jetski for the winter. i'm in my space camp sweatpants (only sweatpants i've ever owned), three shirts and a hoodie. mark was in jeans, several shirts, and an insulated flannel. we're both freezing our asses off riding around on our jetskis and the only ones crazy enough to be out on the lake.

sugar ray. it's summer. i somehow managed to get the pontoon boat drifted over stump alley. we're stranded until the wind changes since we can't use the motor without damaging it. i'm afraid of jumping off the boat and pushing because i don't know what's in the water in the muck. finally mark jumps in and pushes us off...and gets a leech on him. we're both laughing and screaming at the same time trying to get it off of him before it settles in.

music can be so amazing. linkin park. a different mark. a different country. we're on a date in chiba. all japanese music throughout the night with linkin park songs scattered in. this mark also sneaking me into his home since he lived in an international mens only apartment.

savage garden. summer. i had been sleeping in my fiero for a week and it was a million degrees. doug was the ra for summer semester for his dorm. i stayed with him until my apartment was freed up. he would sneak me in through the ground floor mens restroom window. the guys on his floor thought it was the craziest thing that their very gay ra would be keeping a girl in his room.

the cure. the cure was playing on my birthday weekend when i was 18. we were at the necto, a gay club in ann arbor. i was there with jay and maybe ryan. nothing like having two gay best friends growing up to lead one to starting out their clubbing years at a gay bar as a straight female.

it's funny how an invisible string of thought can carry on like the above.

i am still cold though.

"no matter how hard i fall, nothing can break me at all. not one for giving up, though not invincible, i know. i've given everything i need. i'd give you everything i own. i'd give in if it could at least be ours alone..." -soundgarden



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