31-03-15 - 07:13
i am the sum of everything that has happened in the past. good. bad. i would not be the current me without all of it. i wonder what the parallel me's would be like. not regretting anything from the past, but just pondering.
what if i had never come back from london? i was so close to staying. same with japan. i definitely think i would be worse off if i had married tim. i really like where i am right now. who i am right now.
lessons that i have to work on:
1. you can't force fate.
2. you can't force love.
so, i'll just keep doing what i'm doing. things good and bad will happen no matter what, so stressing about them won't change a thing. plus, it's illogical to stress and worry about things. also, maybe the next time potential love comes about, i shall neither flee from it like usual nor run towards it which is the opposite of what i would normally do.
i do think that something this year is going to drastically set my path in motion on a specific course. since the thought that had always help me get through life is that i know everything will eventually work out, whatever that path is, it will eventually lead to the best potential outcome.
i do have to sort out what to do about the near future soon. my lease is up soon. do i stay or do i go? do i stay for another year? do i move nearby? will this next move help me find a home? i've never really felt home anywhere. maybe that's why i like living in apartments. it's not permanent. i think i was designed to move away to find home. being a mostly minority family living in a small hick town. on top of that being the only one in the family with green eyes and brown hair. it's not fitting in that i think left me feeling unsettled growing up. is it weird that the most at home i've ever felt was in kyoto?
it's raining like crazy out right now. just warm enough where it's not snow. we had snow the last two days and more is expected this weekend. by tonight, i think i'll have sorted out my april trip. then onto planning my may trip...
"come fly with me. let's fly, let's fly away. if you can use some exotic booze, there's a bar in far bombay..." -sinatra
